Archive for the ‘personal’ Category

No-one told me snow fell so silently, brought silence with it, coated everything in silence, left silence in its wake. The silence allows space for the One, the I to observe, unobstructed by the surface chattering of ego self. All that is left is this gentle love, this silent and slightly amused awareness. Nice:)

Here I am mere days away from my next adventure! Last night I made myself a test batch of raw energy bars, using Brandon Brazier’s recipe from his book the Thrive Diet as a guideline and then adding my own stuff to it (hemp seeds, maca, sultanas). Had to use my blender as a food processor which is always interesting, because too fast and you’ve got baby food. Suffice to say…they turned out AMAZING, yay!Now I only have to make another seventy of them and I’ll be all good to go, hehe.

I have a black garbage bag full of clothes, shoes and items I’m letting go of. I’m streamlining my possessions. Discarding layers of material baggage, allowing myself to be light and flexible again. This is what it means to float, to drift like a seed on the wind, floating in trust until the time is right to settle in the Earth and let roots discover life beneath the surface.

So Nathan, what are you doing with your life?

Being

My father built the house with his own hands, my mother with her money. There are photo’s of me, less than a year old, sitting in the foundations. I have always lived there (even when I haven’t) and it has always been my rock of safety and security when life has been a wildly flooding torrent, threatening to wash me away.

It is for sale…

My father (I will call him Papa from now on) has turned the house into an unbelievably beautiful wellness centre. He has installed a yoga room, massage room and sauna. There is a swimming pool and a river running through the garden. Papa put so much time and energy into in and once he was done he realized that he wanted nothing to do with the running or maintenance of the whole thing. He has realized that he wants to simplify and slow down his life and a part of that is selling the house. He is 60 and ready to kick back and relax…fair enough!

When I heard about it initially I had many feeling come to the surface: anger, resentment, sadness, fear. I fully understand and respect Papa’s need to get chilled and surf more but the feelings of resentment were still coming up. I had a long chat with my sister Lucinda and she was feeling the same. In our conversation I started to say that for us to feel these feelings we had to be willing to take responsibility for our own wishes to keep the house. How can we feel upset with Papa when we are not willing to step in and help him carry the load?

After thinking about that a lot and then speaking with my brother Joshua I decided to offer to head back to South Africa and run the wellness centre, which would take the pressure off Papa and allow him to kick back and relax. The feelings of resentment and anger instantly faded; I was now taking responsibility for what I wanted and was willing to sacrifice for it to happen.

Notice anything worrying about that last sentence? the word ‘sacrifice’ perhaps?

Although I was willing to go back and run the wellness centre that would not be doing what my heart was asking for, it would be moving away from following my own dreams. Nothing in my experience of life’s lessons has taught me that that would be a good idea.

After taking part in a beautiful shamanic ceremony the following weekend, in which I was faced with my deepest fears and insecurities, I came to realize that I truly need to let go. Let go of my past, let go of my future, let go of material gain, let go of resistance to experiencing fear or anything else. Let go, perhaps, of my life-long home in Scarborough, let go of the memories ingrained in the wood and soil there, let go of the heavy Root holding me tethered and preventing me from truly soaring.

The feeling of lightness which has come with my letting go has been amazing. Suddenly it is ok for me to have dreams of timeless wandering, of learning from those who live with the land, of experiencing what it truly means to be a human in communion with the Great Mother. Suddenly I am again a limitless and angelic spiritual being having a physical experience.

Let go, breathe, allow, let go.

“Oh fuck, I’m dying! How did I end up here, shirtless on the floor, sweating and moaning as my face begins to swell and my body is wracked with pain?”
Let go Nathan, remember to breathe, you know why you’re here.
“My intent is to heal. My intent is to heal. My intent is to heal. Oh god please, my intent is to heal.”

Kambo. The Frog Medicine.

I’m not going to go into the history of Kambo, if you’re interested you can look it up yourself (gotta love google). Suffice to say it is an Amazonian medicine harvested from the back of a highly toxic frog (which is not harmed in the process).

Basically the medicine gives your immune system a massive boost and clears negative energy while realigning chakras and strengthening organs. To do this it pumps your blood pressure through the roof then drops it through the floor and purges toxins from your body, which came out of me in a projectile stream from my mouth (this is expected). I truly can’t describe how intense the sensations which I experienced were, it is beyond words and no-one who told me about their experiences could have prepared me for mine.

I am now recovering and feeling much better although my face is still a little bit swollen. I feel different but i can’t say how just yet. I’ll let you know when I know!

The Universe has been gifting me with such powerful learning experiences recently and I feel like it must all be adding up to something…

Trudging through the grass, listening to the ‘swish swish’ of its wet stalks past my already sodden feet, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and made the call I had wanted to make all week.
“Hello?”
”Hi Mum, it’s me, Nathan.”

During my Ayahuasca ceremony a few weeks ago there came a point where I experienced again the child within, the twelve year old boy, and felt his confusion, hurt and sadness over his mom having abandoned him. For, that is what happened. When I was twelve my mom and dad were getting divorced and my mom had default custody. She dropped my brother, sister and me off at my dad’s house for our weekend with him and she didn’t come back…for nine months. No phone calls, no letters, no explanations. I can’t remember any of that time although my dad says I used to run to the window every time I heard a car coming up the road which sounded like my mom’s Mercedes.

All of the layers which have built up over the years: the misunderstandings, the confusion, the hurt, the new hurt, the new love, the money issues, all of it was stripped away and I got to see to the core of me, the centre of what I feel. That centre sings with love and says “All I want is my mom.” It was an incredibly powerful revelation to see and feel and know that truth: That no matter what has happened, I really want and need to love my mom. Over the years, we’ve come together again and moved apart again, and there was a time when we were doing well but it fell apart in a huge way at the end of last year. It took this Ceremony to awaken me again to the need in me to connect in a real way with my mom.

The sound of cars whizzing past me and the dark trees silhouetted against the full moon was a suitable backdrop for the dramatic call I made to my mom, reaching out with no expectations, but accepting my need to make contact. And the crazy thing is, she was there! There in more than just voice, there in the same space as me, acknowledging her own child within and her own need to cut through all the bullshit we’ve built up around our love for one another.

We spoke until my signal died and then spoke again later, when I’d arrived home.

This is a new thing and will take time, but we have taken the first steps towards a real relationship and I am so happy!