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I am so good at knowing what I should be doing. I write lists of the amazing things I need to practice and then I spend the following days feeling more and more guilty about the fact that the list remains unused.

So much anguish is being generated by me in my life. My health is suffering, I am fatigued and depressed most days and I binge eat absolute shit, which numbs me momentarily and then leaves me worse off than before. I know that I need to practice meditation, yoga, exercise, healthy eating, positive thinking…I KNOW ALL OF THIS! And yet, here I sit in front of my computer, doing nothing but wasting my time and feeling worse and worse about myself daily. I am so tired of my own uselessness, my own whining and self-pity. I am bored with myself. I just want to tell myself to get over it, shut up and sort my shit out, but that doesn’t help. I am a master of procrastination and sloth. All the skills which would serve me now -perseverance, patience, equanimity, diligence, will power- are the skills I have never worked on and so am sorely lacking. How do I begin, when I am so lost in this desert of my own creation, this dry land of morose fatigue and dry heaviness?

“This too shall pass.”
”Be the change you want to see in the world.”
”There are no ordinary moments.”

These sayings all ring so true for me, but when it comes right down to the wire, nothing has any value unless you back it up with ACTION. You have to do the work to move forwards and there’s where I fall apart. I set myself goals and fail at them daily. Even deciding not to eat sugar, or to eat more greens, or to practice yoga, or meditate. I make these tiny decisions and then go back on them within hours. Over the years I have turned myself into a master of indecision and commitment avoidance, a genius when it comes to excuses.

Finally I’ve made myself ill, so that my physical self now supports my emotional feelings of weakness and an inability to deal with real life. I wake up every morning completely fatigued and my energy fluctuates massively through every day, but never gets to more than 70% of what it used to be. I’m so painfully deep in this dark hole I don’t even know where to begin trying to climb out. Every aspect of my life right now is a challenge and a chore I don’t have the motivation, energy, drive or will to face and overcome.

So I guess it comes down to one simple question: What am I going to do?

My simple answer is “I have no idea.”

Would you be surprised if I told you that if you sit on a toilet you are in a minority? yes? I thought so:). In fact, most of the world’s population still follows the most ancient style and squats (watch how children go to the toilet and you’ll get some idea of which technique is the most natural).

The fact that nudity and open doors always prevailed in my family home meant that I got to watch my father go to the loo a lot as a curious youngster, which led to me adopting his method of crouching or ’squatting’ on the toilet. He had learned to do this while living and studying yoga in India when he was in his early 20’s.

Squatting was just how I did it, I didn’t have any reasons as to why other than that m dad did it and it just seemed more comfortable…that is, until recently.

A few weeks ago I went for my first colonic (which is where you get water pumped into you to clean out your colon…you should try it, it’s AWESOME). Once the session was over I went to the toilet to release anything which may have escaped the pump (aren’t you loving the imagery here). As I squatted on the loo I happened to look to my right and began to read the paper pasted onto the wall.

It detailed some very interesting facts, and what it basically said was the humans are PHYSIOLOGICALLY designed to squat rather than sit when we use the toilet! Here are some reasons why (I’m just going to say it straight. I mean, we all do it!!!):

• when you squat your anal canal lines up correctly to allow easy passage for the poo
• squatting allows for complete evacuation whereas studies have shown that people sitting don’t get that benefit…
• there is a ‘valve’ which gets closed when you squat (your right thigh presses into it and closes it! How crazy clever are our bodies!?) and prevents poo from moving from your large intestine back into your small intestine. If you sit on the loo then this valve malfunctions which is “the root cause of many of the diseases of modern society…” (Dr Welles)

There are a good few more reasons why squatting is not only advised, but pretty much NECESSARY for good colon health, and therefore your health on every level, for as the saying goes: “Death begins in the colon”!

I am now proud to announce to the world at large that I AM A SQUATTER, and i hope you are too;)

I gathered some info for this blog from this cool website which will give you all the info you could possibly want, with illustrations (nothing nasty, no worries).

inJOY

Well, she commented on my wordpress blog so I followed her on twitter. Then she clicked onto my youtube and subscribed to my vlog which prompted me to add her as a friend on Facebook. I told her how much I Digg her photo’s and she said my music on Myspace was Delicious. We chatted on Skype for days on end…and into the nights. I finally thought I’d found the one!

Then, I saw one day that she’d poked my best friend and my suspicions were raised, so I checked their wall-to-wall and saw that they’d been giving too many winks…

I PM’d her and asked her for the truth and she admitted they’d been watching each on FriendFeed since just after we’d met and had fallen in love…

After reading how to get over a break up on WikiHow I took a deep breath, removed her off my buddy list and marked her messages as spam.

Next time I’m getting a Tamagotchi

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recently I’ve realized something about my relationship with money…I am in a poverty state of mind! No matter how much money I ever have it always feels like too little and I’ve realized that what that is doing is creating an energy of poverty in my life!

So I’ve changed! Now, I live in abundance no matter how much or how little money I have at the time! I mean, it’s ridiculous, money is not the decider for whether I’m happy or not, for whether I smile or cry at any given time!  Money is lovely and I know that I have enough to get exactly what I need at any given moment!

Lots going on, trying to work out how to make moving down to Lewes (near Shazzie) is going to be best undertaken. Need transport…want to live in a campervan, but winter is coming and with it the cold. People think I’m crazy, I think they’re right but damn I’m having fun! Otherwise must find a car and get myself moved down there in two weeks…hmmm, what you got coming my way beautiful Universe?

Last night had the most awesome experiences, hanging out with Ashley, beautiful guy I met while working at inSpiral. He came in and wanted a raw smoothie and I had to tell him that inSpiral doesn’t make any raw smoothies, but I offered to make him a concoction of my own. I made him the most ridiculously delicious banana, purple corn, mango smoothie EVER! We connected and planned to do something, which we finally did last night. I went over to his place and hung out with him and his good friend Reuban, both such amazing guys! beautiful people living authentic and passionated lives. As we walked into the lounge at one point, this song came on and the lyrics ‘3 cool cats’ rang out and had us all laughing. We picked up guitars, and drums, ate amazing food, made delicious dips, sang and spoke of beliefs, knives, beauty and friendship. Then Reuban’s girlfriend came home and joined in the fun, adding a wonderful presence, green tea and some fun drumming to the mix. All in all it was one of the nicest nights I’ve had with people since I arrived and it made me realize how much I’ve missed simple social connections. I’ve been a hermit in my shell, entering the world to work and retreating to my self in my spare time. That’s ok, i’m loving the yin and the yang of it all, flowing with the go, going with the flow:)

If you notice the tabs along the top, I’ve set up a store through amazon so you can buy cool rawfood things, like blenders, etc…if you want to:).

Nathan signing out, got to go do some breathing and eat some bee pollen…

Thanks:)