Posts Tagged ‘fear’

My father built the house with his own hands, my mother with her money. There are photo’s of me, less than a year old, sitting in the foundations. I have always lived there (even when I haven’t) and it has always been my rock of safety and security when life has been a wildly flooding torrent, threatening to wash me away.

It is for sale…

My father (I will call him Papa from now on) has turned the house into an unbelievably beautiful wellness centre. He has installed a yoga room, massage room and sauna. There is a swimming pool and a river running through the garden. Papa put so much time and energy into in and once he was done he realized that he wanted nothing to do with the running or maintenance of the whole thing. He has realized that he wants to simplify and slow down his life and a part of that is selling the house. He is 60 and ready to kick back and relax…fair enough!

When I heard about it initially I had many feeling come to the surface: anger, resentment, sadness, fear. I fully understand and respect Papa’s need to get chilled and surf more but the feelings of resentment were still coming up. I had a long chat with my sister Lucinda and she was feeling the same. In our conversation I started to say that for us to feel these feelings we had to be willing to take responsibility for our own wishes to keep the house. How can we feel upset with Papa when we are not willing to step in and help him carry the load?

After thinking about that a lot and then speaking with my brother Joshua I decided to offer to head back to South Africa and run the wellness centre, which would take the pressure off Papa and allow him to kick back and relax. The feelings of resentment and anger instantly faded; I was now taking responsibility for what I wanted and was willing to sacrifice for it to happen.

Notice anything worrying about that last sentence? the word ‘sacrifice’ perhaps?

Although I was willing to go back and run the wellness centre that would not be doing what my heart was asking for, it would be moving away from following my own dreams. Nothing in my experience of life’s lessons has taught me that that would be a good idea.

After taking part in a beautiful shamanic ceremony the following weekend, in which I was faced with my deepest fears and insecurities, I came to realize that I truly need to let go. Let go of my past, let go of my future, let go of material gain, let go of resistance to experiencing fear or anything else. Let go, perhaps, of my life-long home in Scarborough, let go of the memories ingrained in the wood and soil there, let go of the heavy Root holding me tethered and preventing me from truly soaring.

The feeling of lightness which has come with my letting go has been amazing. Suddenly it is ok for me to have dreams of timeless wandering, of learning from those who live with the land, of experiencing what it truly means to be a human in communion with the Great Mother. Suddenly I am again a limitless and angelic spiritual being having a physical experience.

Let go, breathe, allow, let go.