Posts Tagged ‘learning’

My father built the house with his own hands, my mother with her money. There are photo’s of me, less than a year old, sitting in the foundations. I have always lived there (even when I haven’t) and it has always been my rock of safety and security when life has been a wildly flooding torrent, threatening to wash me away.

It is for sale…

My father (I will call him Papa from now on) has turned the house into an unbelievably beautiful wellness centre. He has installed a yoga room, massage room and sauna. There is a swimming pool and a river running through the garden. Papa put so much time and energy into in and once he was done he realized that he wanted nothing to do with the running or maintenance of the whole thing. He has realized that he wants to simplify and slow down his life and a part of that is selling the house. He is 60 and ready to kick back and relax…fair enough!

When I heard about it initially I had many feeling come to the surface: anger, resentment, sadness, fear. I fully understand and respect Papa’s need to get chilled and surf more but the feelings of resentment were still coming up. I had a long chat with my sister Lucinda and she was feeling the same. In our conversation I started to say that for us to feel these feelings we had to be willing to take responsibility for our own wishes to keep the house. How can we feel upset with Papa when we are not willing to step in and help him carry the load?

After thinking about that a lot and then speaking with my brother Joshua I decided to offer to head back to South Africa and run the wellness centre, which would take the pressure off Papa and allow him to kick back and relax. The feelings of resentment and anger instantly faded; I was now taking responsibility for what I wanted and was willing to sacrifice for it to happen.

Notice anything worrying about that last sentence? the word ‘sacrifice’ perhaps?

Although I was willing to go back and run the wellness centre that would not be doing what my heart was asking for, it would be moving away from following my own dreams. Nothing in my experience of life’s lessons has taught me that that would be a good idea.

After taking part in a beautiful shamanic ceremony the following weekend, in which I was faced with my deepest fears and insecurities, I came to realize that I truly need to let go. Let go of my past, let go of my future, let go of material gain, let go of resistance to experiencing fear or anything else. Let go, perhaps, of my life-long home in Scarborough, let go of the memories ingrained in the wood and soil there, let go of the heavy Root holding me tethered and preventing me from truly soaring.

The feeling of lightness which has come with my letting go has been amazing. Suddenly it is ok for me to have dreams of timeless wandering, of learning from those who live with the land, of experiencing what it truly means to be a human in communion with the Great Mother. Suddenly I am again a limitless and angelic spiritual being having a physical experience.

Let go, breathe, allow, let go.

“Oh fuck, I’m dying! How did I end up here, shirtless on the floor, sweating and moaning as my face begins to swell and my body is wracked with pain?”
Let go Nathan, remember to breathe, you know why you’re here.
“My intent is to heal. My intent is to heal. My intent is to heal. Oh god please, my intent is to heal.”

Kambo. The Frog Medicine.

I’m not going to go into the history of Kambo, if you’re interested you can look it up yourself (gotta love google). Suffice to say it is an Amazonian medicine harvested from the back of a highly toxic frog (which is not harmed in the process).

Basically the medicine gives your immune system a massive boost and clears negative energy while realigning chakras and strengthening organs. To do this it pumps your blood pressure through the roof then drops it through the floor and purges toxins from your body, which came out of me in a projectile stream from my mouth (this is expected). I truly can’t describe how intense the sensations which I experienced were, it is beyond words and no-one who told me about their experiences could have prepared me for mine.

I am now recovering and feeling much better although my face is still a little bit swollen. I feel different but i can’t say how just yet. I’ll let you know when I know!

The Universe has been gifting me with such powerful learning experiences recently and I feel like it must all be adding up to something…

Snippets of written imagination and panicked sensation interspersed with soul-searching conclusions.I have had too much going on to write down a cohesive and lateral account of it all, so here are some of the things I’ve jotted down as I’ve been moving around:

30 Nov 2009, Ayahuasca
Can you tell this story? Can you repeat that which is infinite, unfathomable and all-encompassing? Can you dance with imagination and create art which brings to life again the passion of the Mother, of the Goddess, of the jungle on fire with every shadow and every ray of light you ever knew, sparkling in spirals of infinite fractals down and up into forever? You can try…

2 Dec, Overwhelmed
Fear, uncertainty and confusion leapt on me as I awoke this morning and were compounded by the  email from my gran cancelling the Kilimanjaro trip (IT IS BACK ON TRACK, NO NEED TO PANIC, ha). My world is spinning out of control and I’m tired, so fucking tired, of juggling these balls. Is this it, the gold is in the crisis? Platitudes be damned, I want an easy life! EASY LIFE!
I’m feeling so alone, so lonely. What am I doing out here, trying to build a new life for myself? I love the life I have already, I don’t need a new one! I don’t want a car, a house, a fucking cupboard to store my clothes in.
I want sunlight, surf, music, my dad, my village and my life in South Africa, with it’s beauty and wild craziness.
Wherever I go, there I am.

3 Dec 2009, Despair
Feelings of LOST, sadness upwelling, the child cries in confusion.
I dreamed of 2010 and my friends, dreamed I wasn’t alone. Now the tears are pouring down my face and nothing makes sense but feeling what I’m feeling and I don’t even know what that is. Maybe this is what it feels like to grow up. Maybe this is what it feels like to learn to be true inside and outside of myself. Maybe this is what it takes for me to let go.
This is real: I don’t know if I can afford to stay here…
No, this is real: As things stand, I can’t afford to stay here…and that’s ok.

4 Dec 2009, A Change
“You build a life, and then you maintain it. If you don’t like it, you change it. Nothing stays the same, everything moves and sways.” Nathan Maingard

4 Dec 2009, Where You Find Me…Now (I already posted this, but it fits here again)
There are only so many ways you can say ‘live in the now’, only a limited amount of options when you’re trying to describe what it’s all about.

Suddenly it all falls away from me and I’m left with the knowledge that there is actually nothing more than what is right here, right at this moment. This is the instant to be happy, fulfilled, satisfied, enlightened, or any other label you want to give it. There is NO future right NOW. STOP!

STOP STOP STOP…stop seeking, stop finding even, you’ve already found it, you never had to search, it’s right here and it always has been. Wherever you go, there you are. Hahaahaa, laugh with me, can you see it now!? Can you feel it and know it and be it?

All this confusion and sadness. All of these lost people searching for what they already have, saving for something which is impossible to buy and has no value because it cannot be sold. Nothing you ever do will take you further from or closer towards it. Nothing you make, hold on to, lose, find, take, accumulate or sell will bring you one step nearer…because you are there already.

It is so simple my beautiful friends; so easy; so old and always so new.

There you have it folks, my week of lessons, chaos and calm all bundled together just for you. No editing, just what I felt, when I felt it, how I felt it. I thank you for reading and for your understanding.
inJOY
N

I have the honour of being a guest blogger on Lovely Raw-La-La’s incredible blog on her journeys exploring the world of health and wellbeing.

We have both been exploring similar pathways and have re-introduced some animal products into our diets, as well as no longer associating with calling ourselves Raw-Fooders. For me it’s no longer about  being 100% anything other than nurturing to myself and the world. If I need to eat some cooked food or raw milk prepared with love to be nurtured, well I’m happpppy to do so:).

If you’d like to read my article on Lauren’s blog, please go visit Sweet Raw-La-La’s world.

Thank you again Lauren for inviting me to share, you are an inspiring light!

Love is all, all is Love
inJOY